Sup.

You can say „it was only yesterday“ but in fact, yesterday is far away. So fuck it. 

I was studying for this extraordinarily awkward final exam. And of course there were those moments of absolute frustration so I looked at crap stuff like horoscope. It said: “One big thing will end and one will be your fresh start.” So it kinda really happened but not exactly in the way I expected. 

Funny story, my life. I always was the “not that smart but lovely” person. Nobody ever awaits anything big from me. And that is quite good because there is no pressure on you and if there is actually something you do right, everybody is so happy for you. I am not complaining, I felt safe in this role and things went easier for me. But the problem is that I got so good in this role, I do it even if I do not want to. 

On one hand I care very much and on the other, I don´t give a damn. I can´t really explain it. There is no in between. It is not some kind of pose or anything, I simply don´t care at all. But the first hand is pretty much heart breaking.

I left to the UK to move my ass forward. I succeeded and surprisingly everybody was happy for me. “Yes, Kajiku, now it is time to get back home, finish uni and find a job. It would be also nice to find a husband and have children in a few years.” Nobody really still believes that I only want to do what I want, have fun and travel. But for many people it sounds like a plan for a month or just a crazy and irresponsible plan. Fuck it again. I simply don´t understand why I should be miserable or negative. Because I have been there and no no no. 

When I lived in the UK, I realized that first of all I want to know about myself. Only then I can appreciate myself and find out what I am really capable of. Well, to be honest, it went better with a crazy friend. But it must have begun from me alone. 

So yes, I mean I have the possibility to say no to life I don´t want to live and go try something else. I got slapped by others few times so now I will be by myself and hate people. I am kidding, I hated people before too. Anyway the truth is nothing is as bad as it looks at first. People are scared all the time, they have their reasons. I have my fears too, so bloody fucking many of them. But I wanna be pushed forward by them, not back. Like I said, fuck it.